Do you worry that the partner of someone you care about has all the money? There is a difference between a mutual agreement in which one responsible partner handles the finances and an imbalance of power in which one partner tricks the other into being the financial gatekeeper.
The Center for Financial Security says that financial abuse is a part of 99% of domestic violence cases. Victims of financial abuse are kept from getting, using, and keeping money. If someone you care about is being financially abused, she may not have enough money or good credit to take care of herself and her kids.
Note: The article uses the pronoun “she” for consistency, but anyone can be a victim of financial abuse.
8 Ways to Tell If Someone You Care About Is Being Controlled
- Her husband controls how much money she can get. She doesn’t have her own bank account or credit card. The house and car titles don’t have her name on them. She may have to give her paycheck to her partner, who may only give her a small amount to cover basic household costs. The rest of the money may be put into a separate checking account. He might make her put utility bills in her name so that she has to pay for them out of her “allowance.”
- Financial exploitation. If she has her own money, her husband or wife tricks her into giving it to him. He might say it’s a “loan,” but he might not pay it back. He won’t work, and then he takes all of her money. Even though he doesn’t make any money himself, he insists on taking care of it all. He doesn’t tell her how much money they have or how much they owe.
- Fraud. Her husband or wife uses a fake name to get a second mortgage or a credit card in her name. She might not know that he lied to the IRS about his income.
- Debt. She might not know how bad their money problems are until debt collectors show up at the door. If her credit is bad, she may feel stuck because it will be hard for her to find a place to live, rent a car, or do anything else that needs a credit check.
- Work got in the way. Abusers often get people to quit their jobs so they can depend on them financially. The spouse of someone you care about may be putting her job at risk by showing up at her workplace in a threatening way. She may lose her job because the stress of being abused at home makes it hard for her to do her job. If she wants to go back to school to learn more marketable skills, her husband or wife either stops her or makes her feel bad about herself by telling her she’s not good enough.
- It’s rude to talk about money. When your loved one’s partner tries to talk about money, she gets so angry that she doesn’t want to bring it up. He acts like he is going to hurt her so she will back down.
- She has to explain where every dollar went. Her partner wants her to keep every receipt as proof of what she bought with the money. If her books are wrong or she doesn’t have a receipt, she might get physical, emotional, or verbal punishment.
- Threats. When she is “acting up” or wants to leave the relationship, he reminds her that she has no money. On the other hand, if she doesn’t do what he wants, he says he’ll leave and leave her with nothing. Or, he makes her doubt herself by telling her she can’t get by without him.
You can help your loved one become more independent so she has enough money to leave by encouraging her to:
- Make an exit plan. Your friend or family member must feel safe enough to leave. She should have a place to stay and keep copies of important documents in a to-go bag in the car so she can leave at any time.
- Throw money away. If she doesn’t have to account for every penny, she should put what she can in a separate bank account. You could help her “to go fund” by getting family and friends to give money.
- Find a way to make money. Your friend or family member may need to hide the fact that she has a job. If her husband or wife leaves for work during the day, she could do something to make money, like tutoring, babysitting, or making things to sell on Etsy. If you type “Internet jobs from home” into Google, you will get a lot of results. If she applies for and gets a full-time job outside the home, she must be ready to leave right away.
- Start building credit. If the person you care about doesn’t have a credit card in her name, she should apply for one. Once she has her own card, she should make small purchases and always pay them off to build her credit.
Even though it may hurt to see someone you care about stay in an abusive relationship, it’s important to remember that people are most at risk when they try to leave. This is why it’s important to make a good plan for leaving.
If you want to talk to a lawyer about getting a temporary restraining order or figuring out how to get alimony and child support after being financially abused, you can contact us to set up a free and confidential consultation with one of our caring and experienced family law attorneys. We’re here to help you do what you need to do to get to safety. Dial (270) 558-4790 today.